Possibillionaire

“I am a possibillionaire” says my husband. Like his early days of gambling in Lake Tahoe, his fishing on the Mississippi now satisfies his need for endless, infinite, myriad possibilities. Of what, you ask? Of a win, a big fish, a story to tell or bragging rights, of adventures including the bad news and the stress-filled. He likes knowing that the next minute will not be the same as the one just completed.

I, in contrast, find myself seeking predictability and as much control as possible over the next minute or two. I think that has to do with aging. I’m just plain tired of being caught off-guard or of looking carefully around the corner so that I can be prepared. I would like to assert that it is a hang-over of parenthood. The youngest is now 17 and I can start relaxing my hyper-vigilance. But I have always been a control-freak: “bossy” is what they called it during my childhood, and “assertive” was an admirable quality in my early adulthood. I’m sure that all that practice with controlling the outcomes of each endeavor helped make my parenting experiences mostly pleasurable. However, now that the need for watchful alertness, for over-pre-planning and listing all the contingencies, I haven’t relaxed at all….

I think I recognize the passing of time. I’m running out of time to dream. I gots to get going on the Achievements, on the Exercise of Options, on (dare I say it?) making a Success Of My Life. There are bucket lists, of course, but I’m trying to remember what I dreamed of doing in the halcyon days of possi-billions. In the meantime, I garden and re-read books and put everything back in the kitchen drawers after cleaning the organizers – exactly like they was before. I hate when I’m not home often enough to keep the refrigerator set up by food groups. I wish I knew which flower would be in colorful bloom next month so I could… dress to match? I need time to think this out. Time is what I feel like I don’t have.

What am I doing now? Training across the Montana farmlands with mountains bumping the horizon on three sides. To California to visit my two adult children. I’m going to visit Angel Island (before the state closes it, again) and the Cable Car Museum (I am a former cool person, now a tourist!). And, I’m going to work on my plans for the future. I’ve got three days plus another train trip.