April 1, 2012

Today is the day after my birthday. I'm 52 years old. I spent my birthday with my BFF in our usual pursuits: breakfast, plants & planting toys (aka tools), and junking -- and I came home with a tropical, green & red plant that I don't know the name of, and two new pots, and three books, and some rose-scented soaps. Today somehow got a little bit lost, and only now, at 10:00 pm, am I starting on the Do-List! I read, and took a nap, ate two meals, updated the flowers in the bathroom (lilacs about to pop and a pink tulip), did the laundry, took the daughter back to her college dorm, explored the bushes for sale (on sale!!!) at Shopko.....

I'm feeling a bit melancholy. Reading Wallace Stegner's The Spectator Bird will do that to an old lady. Though his character is in his seventies, the litany of sore joints, aching muscles, and worry are beacons and heralds. As Mr. Fuget in The Forgetting (PBS) says, "The future is not someplace I'm rushing to get to." I speak to my students, often and with deliberate exaggeration, that I am old; and so I am, in contrast to their 18-year old attitudes and fashions, hobbies and biorhythms. But I'm not as old as Joe Allston, or as old as Mr. Fuget. And I should stop -- in my own best interest -- thinking like that!

I do feel that a certain amount of "Now or never!" and "If not now, when?" and so I have made some resolutions. I avoid New Year's resolutions -- they are guaranteed to fail, based on past history. Birthdays are a better date for looking backward and forward, and assessing the damages and the possibilities. I look forward to my March 31st birthday with a little girl's glee, anticipating fun and cake and presents! And I look back at the day with reminiscence, nostalgia, and reflection. Each year, looking backward on April 1st, I seek to learn from myself what I am supposed to be doing in the next year.

My husband told me once that he schlepps through life. Apparently, I schlepp, too, and I look back at the schlepping with guilt for all those lost opportunities, the wasted time, the roads not taken -- because something more fun in the short term, or the greater obligation, beckoned me down the well-trod path. Humph! And, humph! again. It is time to take some control over my life!

So here is the list of resolutions; no more schlepping!. They are based, I see, on making my mark on the world, and they are seemingly founded on the idea that I am -- though old and full of regrets, or though fundamentally a schlepper -- not ready to die. We'll see. I've never had much luck with these resolution things. But, the first one on the list is TRY.

1. I'm going to try and do a Julie-Julia blog and write every single day this year. What will I discover about myself? I'll try to read something that provokes thinking about BIG IDEAS every week, and I'll share all my favorite books and movies --- those titles, characters, scenes, and plot lines that I toss out during lectures when the black-on-white powerpoint is failing to keep the youngsters engaged (more and more, though, the movies are "heard of" but not seen, so the attempt falls flat and I am forced to Youtube -- a new verb in my lexicon!). The sharing and subseqent sense of discovery is not for you, the reader, but for me, the reader, next year.

2. I'm going to do yoga every day. It is not Pilates-style, and I will not attempt the Zoomba, but I think I want to re-discover how my bones and muscles are connected. If health improvements come from this, or I lose the mid-life paunch, so shall I be blessed. I think I just want to be able to brag that I can reach my toes when standing up, at age...55.

3. I want, I want, I want, to be a creative person! Why? I want to be perceived as deep and provoking, as talented and insightful, as an ARTEEEST. I want to make heirlooms that my children will treasure. I want to be able to answer "Yes" when I'm asked if I am as musical as my husband and son; I used to be. Perhaps all I shall succeed at is cleaning the cupboards in the laundry room, tossing out the ruined photograph-gift cards, or using the fabric scraps as rags when the dog is incontinent. But, the resolution is to try...... images will be posted! Ha!

4. There is a stack of books to read by my bedside, and another in my office, and another shelf in the guest room, groaning with potential. Though my birthday present from Hubby was a small-size HD TV, with a DVD integrated, and the cable to connect a computer... I need to schedule reading time. Fix the hammock. Make that treehouse. Retreat into intellectual discovery.

Not a big list and I'm sure I can add to it as I go along this year. I'm going downstairs now to attempt to make paper-pots with the toy/tool that BFF gave me last year on my birthday; I will take it out of its box and read the directions(!!!). Tomorrow I will plant seeds!?! And roto-till the carrot bed??!?! And finish grading those sociology papers........

Maybe the biggest resolution is to stop thinking that I can't or mustn't or won't, and be brave and reckless. Youth has the advantage of not being able to see very far into the future. I was once brave and I was often reckless. Then I grew up. How much did I lose when I grew up? I'll try and find out this year.