It's Christmas Eve. Will the dachshund talk? The birds are certainly quiet.... on the other hand, it's 10:30 pm and it's raining, or sleeting, or snowing (depending on where you're standing). The youngest slept all day and is not interested in putting out cookies for Santa. The older two have not called -- and I will, this year for the first time, text the kids e-a-r-l-y tomorrow morning! Hahaheehee!
I feel quite weepy, and it isn't all to be blamed on watching "It's A Wonderful Life" and the sappy Ipod and Support the Troops ads we had to sit through (no Hallmark this year - why?). I miss Mom in a life-is-changing sort of way. If she were alive, we would either be there, snowed in, or not able to go: drama drama. But when she died last fall, a six-year old (or was it 7?) tradition died, too. Last year, the middle child came home a few days before Christmas after a harrowing 72-hour train ride, and the oldest popped in on 12/25 for a bite to eat. Under the tree were presents that took a month to deliver, with all the comings and goings. This year, we have a young adult who is frustrated by the weather and prefers Facebook to old movies, and a 1-year old dog eating ornaments, and not so many presents to unwrap. This year, I feel old, or perhaps simply aging.
As I do most years, today I watched a whole day of "Seventh Heaven" and traditional Lifetime Channel holiday movies while I dipped the pretzels and frosted little Santas. Everyone on the tv goes through great effort to get home for the holidays. There's lots of talk about traditions, and "we always do this..." or "remember when that...". This nuclear family has never been too big on traditions, or simply not ever organized enough between changing jobs and changing family dynamics to set in stone the events that make up Christmas in our household. And, this year, I realize that we probably have lost whatever chance we had to give our children some sort of firm "So This Is Christmas." OK, there are a few things that seem to happen every year: I decorated the tree by myself, and baked too many cookies and wept through that old movie. I filled all the bird feeders in case talking makes them hungry. The youngest child opened her one allowed gift tonight. Tomorrow there will be, again, cinnamon rolls during the present opening and we'll eat turkey and all the trimmings (with potatoes from the garden!), and we'll take a walk around the neighborhood and probably play Scrabble.
But, the hubby and I will have to design some new traditions (or a decided lack thereof) for just ourselves. Pizza for Christmas Eve dinner? Or, turkey on Christmas Eve and pizza for Christmas Day? Let the children come to visit and be surprized!
I asked Hubby about that song -- you know, "So this is Christmas... let's hope it's a good one..." (Oko and Lennon) and now that song, with its description of holidays past and years to come, is melodying through my head. I feel old and sad -- like I'm at the end of a chapter. And, also I feel a teeny bit eager to see what happens in a week, when 2009 is over and 2010 has just begun.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Sunday Reflections
The snow is starting to melt, to compact: the drifts shrink and the deer's footprints show up as deep dimples. The birds are calmer: the warm weather lets them sleep, I think. Hubby is in front of two football games and I am working at my desk. He scraped the ice off the driveway, taking advantage of the warmth, and the time -- and announced that he was sorry to break the Sabbath but it simply had to be done. Where do these ideas come from, dredged up from a childhood in a church, but not reviewed or validation for, lo, these twenty (++) years? It's a good thing that Sabbath doesn't have the same meaning or social norms that it used to -- when else would I do the grocery shopping, laundry, ironing, clean the refrigerator, catch up on grading, update the lecture notes -- and fit in a necessary nap? Ah, the Sabbath! AKA: "Catch Up Day." We shall eat northern and hashbrowns in another hour.
I saw a church-connection at the grocery store, though really she has no connection with the church but with the "bread angel" business that was based at the church. She passed on some gossip, and I told her that I got a few calls when the ad for my former job showed up in the weekly paper. We will keep connected via phone and snail mail. The last three years had their value: a few special friendships that I know (now in my aging wisdom) are to be nurtured and maintained and not squandered or erased (as I am doing with any reminders of the old boss!). I had lunch with an old and re-found friend on Friday -- she thanked me about five times for making her leave her home business office and thereby preserving her sanity. Basically, she's not capable of taking a break by herself and needs reliable people in her life with whom to make unbreakable dates (good strategy!). Next weekend, I'll see Old BFF for our semi-monthly meeting; add a little Christmas and a lot of "Who am I now?" talk and it will be a valuable way to spend an afternoon. I discount the value of shopping together or a night of board games, I know, and perhaps I am not very good at the mechanics of friendship -- though I am well-aware of the value of my friends' reflection of me. My "looking glass self" seems to be going through some sort of a resurgent importance. I am getting lost in Who Was I and Who Will I Become, and these friends, the ones who have known me for 30 years or 3 years, are valuable for being a mirror. At this moment, I am centered and self-aware. At this moment, I like who I am. At this moment, I know exactly what will happen next in my life. I am not old enough or wise enough to be entirely comfortable with not knowing....
The Christmas presents are (almost) completely purchased and wrapped (!!!). I sent off small boxes of two or three wrapped gifts to the adult children in California -- for them to use in their own created holiday observances. We'll see both of them "sometime" over the college/holiday break, and I have a few gifts to go under the Home Tree -- so, the reward for moving away is TWO Christmasses! I must get to the store that holds the special request video and soundtrack for the youngest -- Santa comes to "children" under the age of 18, and she sent her "note to Santa" by email last week: I am the mama who will try her hardest to make wishes come true! And (I should probably make a list!) there must be turkey, and I have to move the houseplants, and where is that stand...... I resist the Christmas spirit that is flaunted right after Halloween but, now, with the 12-inches of snow on the ground (already shrunk to 9 inches), the spirit flares within my heart. I bought wreaths for the front door at the grocery store...... Happy Holidays! Whatever god you worship, whereever you may put up your tree, however symbolic that tree may be, may all the best of wishes that go with the NEW YEAR come true for you & yours ---
I saw a church-connection at the grocery store, though really she has no connection with the church but with the "bread angel" business that was based at the church. She passed on some gossip, and I told her that I got a few calls when the ad for my former job showed up in the weekly paper. We will keep connected via phone and snail mail. The last three years had their value: a few special friendships that I know (now in my aging wisdom) are to be nurtured and maintained and not squandered or erased (as I am doing with any reminders of the old boss!). I had lunch with an old and re-found friend on Friday -- she thanked me about five times for making her leave her home business office and thereby preserving her sanity. Basically, she's not capable of taking a break by herself and needs reliable people in her life with whom to make unbreakable dates (good strategy!). Next weekend, I'll see Old BFF for our semi-monthly meeting; add a little Christmas and a lot of "Who am I now?" talk and it will be a valuable way to spend an afternoon. I discount the value of shopping together or a night of board games, I know, and perhaps I am not very good at the mechanics of friendship -- though I am well-aware of the value of my friends' reflection of me. My "looking glass self" seems to be going through some sort of a resurgent importance. I am getting lost in Who Was I and Who Will I Become, and these friends, the ones who have known me for 30 years or 3 years, are valuable for being a mirror. At this moment, I am centered and self-aware. At this moment, I like who I am. At this moment, I know exactly what will happen next in my life. I am not old enough or wise enough to be entirely comfortable with not knowing....
The Christmas presents are (almost) completely purchased and wrapped (!!!). I sent off small boxes of two or three wrapped gifts to the adult children in California -- for them to use in their own created holiday observances. We'll see both of them "sometime" over the college/holiday break, and I have a few gifts to go under the Home Tree -- so, the reward for moving away is TWO Christmasses! I must get to the store that holds the special request video and soundtrack for the youngest -- Santa comes to "children" under the age of 18, and she sent her "note to Santa" by email last week: I am the mama who will try her hardest to make wishes come true! And (I should probably make a list!) there must be turkey, and I have to move the houseplants, and where is that stand...... I resist the Christmas spirit that is flaunted right after Halloween but, now, with the 12-inches of snow on the ground (already shrunk to 9 inches), the spirit flares within my heart. I bought wreaths for the front door at the grocery store...... Happy Holidays! Whatever god you worship, whereever you may put up your tree, however symbolic that tree may be, may all the best of wishes that go with the NEW YEAR come true for you & yours ---
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Dear Mom --
Dear Mom --
Guess what I learned this week!? I don't have to keep gifts from people I don't like (especially if they were grudgingly given). It really doesn't save any time or energy to shovel 12 inches of snow as it falls. The dog does grow up eventually and now likes snow! If you have a little faith in the grand scheme of things, life turns around and goes the way you want it to (two new jobs since getting fired!). Students love it when you wear blue jeans to class: the whole stockings&slip thing is a false authority - always knew that - and they equate Jeans with Real, which often changes the whole relationship. I've been married long enough to know that you have to stick it out during the bad spots (exception: violence) and a married couple should never embark on anything that will cost more than $1000.00 without conferring with each other. It is really important to support your partner in their obsessions, hobbies, and passions (after the $1000 discussion) because they will then believe that you want them to be happy, and they will respond in kind when you want to spend a little time or money on something they think is stupid (EA is going to own a new boat by Opener!! and I'm going to paint the laundry room). Even if all of my children live in California, I'm going to stay here where I have six whole months to plan the garden. And I know now that I will miss you forever. More later -- gotta go teach a little bit of what I've learned -- Love, A.
Guess what I learned this week!? I don't have to keep gifts from people I don't like (especially if they were grudgingly given). It really doesn't save any time or energy to shovel 12 inches of snow as it falls. The dog does grow up eventually and now likes snow! If you have a little faith in the grand scheme of things, life turns around and goes the way you want it to (two new jobs since getting fired!). Students love it when you wear blue jeans to class: the whole stockings&slip thing is a false authority - always knew that - and they equate Jeans with Real, which often changes the whole relationship. I've been married long enough to know that you have to stick it out during the bad spots (exception: violence) and a married couple should never embark on anything that will cost more than $1000.00 without conferring with each other. It is really important to support your partner in their obsessions, hobbies, and passions (after the $1000 discussion) because they will then believe that you want them to be happy, and they will respond in kind when you want to spend a little time or money on something they think is stupid (EA is going to own a new boat by Opener!! and I'm going to paint the laundry room). Even if all of my children live in California, I'm going to stay here where I have six whole months to plan the garden. And I know now that I will miss you forever. More later -- gotta go teach a little bit of what I've learned -- Love, A.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Employment & Life Change UPDATE
First, I'm so mad! I have been sinking into obsessive replays of the "We've decided to terminate you" speech, and rehearsals of the "You shouldn't do that because...." I sound a little postal. They did it all wrong and for all the wrong reasons! I never had a chance to defend myself! etc etc etc.
The re-directed thoughts include a mature look at the truth: I wouldn't want to keep working there anyway. Who wants to work when you know there are visual-daggers being aimed at you on the other side of the wall? I am going to do something vengeful, just out of pride and an inflated sense of civic responsibility. It may be complicated, like reporting their shenanigans to the Department of Labor. It may be simple, like bad-mouthing them around town. Or, it may be a combination, like carrying a protest poster along the sidewalk by the front door. I'm sure it isn't good for me to sink and wallow. I'm glad I'm older now and don't need to do that so much. I know, now, in the wisdom of my old age, that obsession doesn't get me anything other than an upset stomach, a little more acne, and too many minutes of functional cognition wasted. Looking at myself objectively and judging my behavior over the last week, I'd say that I am finally old enough to get fired.
And, there are so many other things to do.... Two new teaching gigs confirmed! Meeting tomorrow with new Dean to get textbook, tour, secret password, new email address. I just signed up for two continuing education courses: on-line, will meet both of my re-licensure requirements. The water softener is being installed right this very minute! A new garden catalog arrived Saturday.... The holidays are coming, and that includes a tree, special baking, a child visiting from the other side of the country, gift-exchanges with the BFFs, and the Christmas movie marathon on the Family Channel. Ahhhh... life is full. Gotta go: pizza's done.
The re-directed thoughts include a mature look at the truth: I wouldn't want to keep working there anyway. Who wants to work when you know there are visual-daggers being aimed at you on the other side of the wall? I am going to do something vengeful, just out of pride and an inflated sense of civic responsibility. It may be complicated, like reporting their shenanigans to the Department of Labor. It may be simple, like bad-mouthing them around town. Or, it may be a combination, like carrying a protest poster along the sidewalk by the front door. I'm sure it isn't good for me to sink and wallow. I'm glad I'm older now and don't need to do that so much. I know, now, in the wisdom of my old age, that obsession doesn't get me anything other than an upset stomach, a little more acne, and too many minutes of functional cognition wasted. Looking at myself objectively and judging my behavior over the last week, I'd say that I am finally old enough to get fired.
And, there are so many other things to do.... Two new teaching gigs confirmed! Meeting tomorrow with new Dean to get textbook, tour, secret password, new email address. I just signed up for two continuing education courses: on-line, will meet both of my re-licensure requirements. The water softener is being installed right this very minute! A new garden catalog arrived Saturday.... The holidays are coming, and that includes a tree, special baking, a child visiting from the other side of the country, gift-exchanges with the BFFs, and the Christmas movie marathon on the Family Channel. Ahhhh... life is full. Gotta go: pizza's done.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
The Trapdoor opens and I see another door!
Because there is no longer a schedule conflict with what I will refer to henceforth as Parttime Job #2, the one that is over, gone, vamoose, stolen from me, another emotional coulee -- I am able to say "YES" to wage-earning opportunities that will fill both my pocketbook and my soul. One of the issues that precipitated the separation was my asking for an hour off two days a week to teach a class in the same city. After I got my boxes in the car, I raced back home and emailed off a "YES" to that one. It promises professional challenges, a few or more laughs, some real hard work connecting the material to the students.... ahhhhh. That's one door opened. And, today, I said "YES" to teaching a class at another school, on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons -- that door would never have been opened by the former boss! It's a new class in my satchel, though still one of the Social Studies. I'll be able to have new rooms, new faces, new text, new factors to consider, and at the same time, use lots of my already-prepared assignments and class activities. Another .... ahhhhh.
I lectured tonight on "Middle Adulthood" which is the lifestage between Age 40 and Age 60. We watched a movie (remember David Hartman?) that made, very well, the point that this is the last stage where you can trust your mind and body to stick with you all the way to the end. And menopause and empty nests (for both men and women) bring a sense of liberation, the desire to find and follow old passions, and an imperative to discover something new. I am so totally in this stage. I am in the middle... of the road, of life, of the bridge. There is a sense of time running out, and, I am asking myself, Where Have I Been? and, Who Am I Today?
The youngest kid is admirably independent, self-sufficient, and busy. The Hubby has found his new hobby (fishing, lots of it). Now I have the time to figure out if I am the same person that I was 20 years ago, "pre-children," or not. What did I learn in those years when I was so busy being The Mrs. and The Mom, plus The Wage-Slave, that I wasn't sure some days why that lady in the mirror looked so tired? I can remember driving the road and having a CRS moment: not knowing where I was going or even who I was; my psyche was so malleable that Nicholas Cage or Jamie Curtis movies about body-switching and alternate planes didn't always stay in the "TV: Fiction" category of my mind.
I suspect there are lots of .... ahhhhh moments in my future. Now I have time to enjoy them! And some of them are going to be in those new classrooms this spring.... Gotta go and work on the reading list.... ahhhhh.
I lectured tonight on "Middle Adulthood" which is the lifestage between Age 40 and Age 60. We watched a movie (remember David Hartman?) that made, very well, the point that this is the last stage where you can trust your mind and body to stick with you all the way to the end. And menopause and empty nests (for both men and women) bring a sense of liberation, the desire to find and follow old passions, and an imperative to discover something new. I am so totally in this stage. I am in the middle... of the road, of life, of the bridge. There is a sense of time running out, and, I am asking myself, Where Have I Been? and, Who Am I Today?
The youngest kid is admirably independent, self-sufficient, and busy. The Hubby has found his new hobby (fishing, lots of it). Now I have the time to figure out if I am the same person that I was 20 years ago, "pre-children," or not. What did I learn in those years when I was so busy being The Mrs. and The Mom, plus The Wage-Slave, that I wasn't sure some days why that lady in the mirror looked so tired? I can remember driving the road and having a CRS moment: not knowing where I was going or even who I was; my psyche was so malleable that Nicholas Cage or Jamie Curtis movies about body-switching and alternate planes didn't always stay in the "TV: Fiction" category of my mind.
I suspect there are lots of .... ahhhhh moments in my future. Now I have time to enjoy them! And some of them are going to be in those new classrooms this spring.... Gotta go and work on the reading list.... ahhhhh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
