Christmas

It's Christmas Eve. Will the dachshund talk? The birds are certainly quiet.... on the other hand, it's 10:30 pm and it's raining, or sleeting, or snowing (depending on where you're standing). The youngest slept all day and is not interested in putting out cookies for Santa. The older two have not called -- and I will, this year for the first time, text the kids e-a-r-l-y tomorrow morning! Hahaheehee!

I feel quite weepy, and it isn't all to be blamed on watching "It's A Wonderful Life" and the sappy Ipod and Support the Troops ads we had to sit through (no Hallmark this year - why?). I miss Mom in a life-is-changing sort of way. If she were alive, we would either be there, snowed in, or not able to go: drama drama. But when she died last fall, a six-year old (or was it 7?) tradition died, too. Last year, the middle child came home a few days before Christmas after a harrowing 72-hour train ride, and the oldest popped in on 12/25 for a bite to eat. Under the tree were presents that took a month to deliver, with all the comings and goings. This year, we have a young adult who is frustrated by the weather and prefers Facebook to old movies, and a 1-year old dog eating ornaments, and not so many presents to unwrap. This year, I feel old, or perhaps simply aging.

As I do most years, today I watched a whole day of "Seventh Heaven" and traditional Lifetime Channel holiday movies while I dipped the pretzels and frosted little Santas. Everyone on the tv goes through great effort to get home for the holidays. There's lots of talk about traditions, and "we always do this..." or "remember when that...". This nuclear family has never been too big on traditions, or simply not ever organized enough between changing jobs and changing family dynamics to set in stone the events that make up Christmas in our household. And, this year, I realize that we probably have lost whatever chance we had to give our children some sort of firm "So This Is Christmas." OK, there are a few things that seem to happen every year: I decorated the tree by myself, and baked too many cookies and wept through that old movie. I filled all the bird feeders in case talking makes them hungry. The youngest child opened her one allowed gift tonight. Tomorrow there will be, again, cinnamon rolls during the present opening and we'll eat turkey and all the trimmings (with potatoes from the garden!), and we'll take a walk around the neighborhood and probably play Scrabble.

But, the hubby and I will have to design some new traditions (or a decided lack thereof) for just ourselves. Pizza for Christmas Eve dinner? Or, turkey on Christmas Eve and pizza for Christmas Day? Let the children come to visit and be surprized!

I asked Hubby about that song -- you know, "So this is Christmas... let's hope it's a good one..." (Oko and Lennon) and now that song, with its description of holidays past and years to come, is melodying through my head. I feel old and sad -- like I'm at the end of a chapter. And, also I feel a teeny bit eager to see what happens in a week, when 2009 is over and 2010 has just begun.