Time is flying!

When I was in fourth or fifth grade, and finally comprehended fractions, I figured out why the year had gone by so quickly: a year is a fraction of a life, and as you age, the fraction gets smaller and smaller! Well, that explains birthdays. But it doesn't explain how the clock these days seems to be juiced.

I wish to announce that I have just posted the final assignment in the second of two classes that I took on-line for re-licensure. When I took an adjunct teaching gig in another state (just across the river!) I had to compile the credential file -- and discovered that I was about to become un-licensed in June this year if I didn't hurry up and follow the rules! On-line was the answer (and I have been very very pleased with the set-up and with all that I learned). I signed up and paid the fee.... and then took on two more gigs. Life has been a whirl! There are seeds in seed-starter already dead or already showing root-compaction. The yard is raked (thank you, dear) and the flower beds look like dressed up chaos (thank you, daffodils). And there are at least four piles on the shelf of papers to be corrected (what was I thinking?!?!?). But the credits are done, and as part of this announcement, I declare them to be well-worth the time & effort.

Next on the list: apply for that full time job -- and also answer "YES" to an offer of adjunct work. Life is just a series of Showing Up, and the details (like how and when) will get worked out. I have faith in the spring: on the river, in my garden, and in my life.

Today, I splurged my time. I went shopping with a girlfriend who is a CPA -- we both stole time from other duties, and giggled and shared and got some new spring clothes! And, I went for a boat-ride in Hubby's new toy -- and we giggled and shared and made a new memory. It was a great day!

Now, it simply must be over. It's 10:30 PM. The dog gave up and went to bed. If it wasn't for the Brewers, Hubby would be in bed (he's involved in five separate Scrabble games on Facebook right now, but uses the Brewers as an excuse to stay up). I'm too old to stay up too late, and tomorrow's mental Do-List is long long long. And, I yearn to return to a re-read of Dick Francis's Bolt. Discipline: the key to aging gracefully and fulfilling all of your voluntary duties. Discipline says I must sleep now. Good night, moon!

Memory and Aging

You know, my greatest fear is losing my mind. I abused the brain cells for about two decades, but have spent the last two decades sober, clean, eating healthy (I'm on probiotics now!). I'm teaching memory tricks in one class, and Alzheimer's in another -- and reading lots and lots, and panicking. I didn't eat enough blueberries! I can't get enough Vitamin E (because it gives me acne). I don't get enough exercise, and there's very little weight-bearing in the winter. I hate Soduko. Am I doomed?

The research is still coming in but it's pretty conclusive: yes, I can do lots and lots to repair my brain and exercise my memory. And I could find out (for a fee) if I have the genes that will make it more likely (not "definite") that I may get one of the memory-impairing diseases. Would I want to know that statistical probabilities? What would I do with the information, if I was told at age 50 that I would be a veg by age 80? What difference would that make in my life?

I'm not sure I have time to come up with any answers. I have trouble remembering what day it is! And, that trouble is all of my own making: I work "too much" and I have "too many" thoughts in my head -- like the recent request for ideas from the Diversity in Education committee at school............ and the overflowing ironing basket............ and the need to transplant the single squash plant that is growing in the potting room...............

If I can figure out how to attach a file to this blog, I'll give you the National Geographic article on memory from last year. It tells a few stories of people -- and suggests that losing your mind, when you have lost enough to not know anymore that you are losing it, can make you happier --- and it summarizes the recent research.

Gotta go -- there's some almonds downstairs and I'm having sardines for lunch!

Time Management Skills (and choices)

My husband has said for years that he loves to see me in my working clothes. These days, the working-clothes closet does not include a uniform. But, the closet is still filled with working clothes (even the holey jeans on the floor: garden work). I work a lot. I like to work. I am a happier person when I have "work" that defines the calendar, structures my day, and brings me both a sense of purpose and a few accolades. Did you know that families are rarely aware of how the refrigerator gets filled, or how those shirts and dresses are ironed, or why the dog doesn't pee on the floor anymore? "Work" on the other hand, is more obviously an effort with rewards: paycheck, take-out once in a while, a mom who doesn't hover. Often, dinner is something from a can, and there is usually a list of chores titled "While I'm at work --." My absence is an adventure for everyone!

My problem, if there is one, is that I have no sense of balance. I seem to have lived much of the last few decades with a "When it rains, it pours" philosophy of work -- or work-karma. I am either unemployed (sometimes for very good reasons, like pending or recent childbirth) or rather over-employed (today, I could say that I have NINE jobs, since adjuncts are independent contractors, always). There were a few years when I changed clothes in the car or in the bathroom at work -- the beginnings of my life as a Bag Lady! Does working a lot make me rich? Not always. Does it make me happy? Yes. That's the great secret, or the confession to be made: I really really really
like to work, and working gives me more satisfaction than cooking, cleaning, or house-training the children and the dogs. There simply isn't enough joy in taking care of myself or my family to make the day seem well-spent. In my defense, I would not work this hard for no pay. Those who know me well, know that without work -- the pay, the structure, the sense of purpose -- I am NOT a happy camper.

I descend into some morass of fattening and fatalism, turning inward and then turning vicious -- to myself mostly, though the crankiness gets sprinkled on everyone. I seek always a purpose that will define me; I am a "Do-er" and not much of a "Be-er." While I heartily recommend self-reflection, and I have often indulged in the adventure of self-knowledge, generally speaking, I am aware that my Self does not provide me with enough material to last through more than a day or two. I need the action -- of chores, of work -- to provide my Self with definition and a reason for being. Reading, gardening, watching re-runs of British murder mysteries are escape strategies: escape from either chores or self-reflection.

So it's Sunday. I got up with the sun. There's homework to do (teachers go to school, too!) and more grading, and I must figure out the on-line grade center for that class.... and there's a party at GM's this afternoon, I want to start a few more seeds, and I really have to get to the ironing.... and I am happy.

Whew! Life's a whirl ---

It's Thursday, the day of FOUR classes in THREE different cities. In my workaholic mode, I said yes to new technological challenges, to subbing for the semester, and to more wage-earning assignments. I am home, for an hour, to try and figure out what happens next. I mean, next today! Things I've learned in the last busy busy week:

My husband only acts like a traditional husband because it appears that I not only have everything under control, but consider his input to be a spanner-the-works. He has, this week, shopped for groceries, made every meal but breakfast, left the garage door open and the walkway lights on for my late-night homecomings, cleaned the floors and folded the clothes -- and we've had that talk about "sharing" and what it really means. Technology -- email, cell phone -- has allowed me to parent, though I'm home actually less than she is! I really like working, at something that has obvious value; I'm continually improving my skills; I can learn new things (I skyped yesterday!!!!) and my learning process can serve as a model for others; and, I don't have to quit smoking today, I can do that tomorrow -- and I get more rest, relaxation, and serenity out of taking 5 minutes to not do anything, than I do out of a brownie, a nap, or a cigarette. I'm learning about myself -- some more new facets.

If this is aging, then I like it. Seeds are started and some are coming up already. More seeds (and trays, and a heat mat) arrived in the mail yesterday, so tomorrow night, I'll play in the dirt. The sun is shining and I am wearing greeeeeen.

Catching up and Catching your breath

I'm not a very good blogger, I guess. And my house isn't very clean. There is always something else to do! I just re-read The Razor's Edge by Somerset Maugham -- we were talking at Christmas with our young adult children about inspiration, guidance we found along the way, books about philosophy that weren't textbooks or non-fiction whatis-es. Zen and the Art of Motorcyle Maintenance is next: another re-read. Will it mean the same now to me, as a person, as an illumination on my soul, as it did when I was twenty? Probably not, but what will it mean to me now at age 50? I know that with time running out faster and faster, I probably shouldn't waste any on re-runs. But "aging" and how it alters my perspective on life is continually fascinating to me. I was deeply affected by The Clam Lake Papers and other books of that ilk. Then, I was seeking myself. Now, I have honed the ability to look at myself like a science project, a third-person objective view (on good days, I believe I have accomplished "humility"), though I am admittedly too-often shocked at that lady in the mirror! It is part of my science project to re-read a few books. I hope I kept Castenada's books --

My days are busy with five different classes, and I'm taking an on-line course for re-cert credits. I just watched a video of Tom Friedman explaining the origins and premise of his book "The World is Flat." The new world is here, and I am looking backward, still trying to figure out where I came from! Oh, my children, I fear that I have not prepared you adequately. And yet, as TF explained the "confluence" of fiber-optics and Smartphones, that contributed to our ability to act horizontally as manufacturers, and consumers, and inventory planners, on a global scale, I realize that the techie stuff he is talking about is not at all foreign to my children. They seem to choose, wisely and with confidence, what bits of tech they want to embrace: one child has an Iphone after months of research and surveying her friends, while the other two just upgraded to a keypad on their phones, or to internet access and those fees. It is I -- and my fellow elders -- who scramble just to know what the words mean!

That's today's musings. The weekend included a realization that the empty nest is not something to fear and that I intend to fill my time with plants and students and books, and that, oh yes: where does Hubby fit in? He missed out on a boat saleo on Ebay and drove 30 miles to a disappointing boat show. He must turn his back on the snow-covered river.... I'm hoping he'll turn toward the kitchen on a semi-permanent and regular basis....

My Greatest Fear (this week)

The book: Still Alice by Lisa Genova. A novel about early-onset Alzheimer's.

The back story: Last Saturday, I left the lights on in the CRV and it was dead when I got out of the grocery store. I had left my cell phone on top of the piano. At 9:00 AM, I felt fragile, tired, foggy. Because of store policy about liability, and my own fragile timidity, and the very strange circumstance of not knowing a single person in the store, I used the store phone to call roadside assistance ($3/ month well-spent). I had to wait an hour, and bought a book to pass the time. What attracted me to this novel? The subject: I teach about aging. I read and wept the rest of the weekend.

At my age, there are three, maybe four, reasons to lose a thought: age, multi-tasking, menopause, and, of course, Alzheimer's. The book -- with a rich resource file in the back pages -- makes it clear that only one of three genetic mutations may result in early-onset Alzheimer's. Since I have no blood relatives with Alzheimer's, statistically I am very unlikely to get the disease until I am really old. Comforting!

Yet, I wonder.... I am fascinated by aging, and determined to age gracefully and inspirationally! But there was that mis-spent youth.... How many times do I forgive myself for forgetting something? How frightened should I be when I spend a few moments not sure what day it is or to what school I should be driving? There is a sense -- today anyway, as I prepare for the first class of one, and the start of two next week -- that there is just simply no room in my brain for any other thoughts. I work. I keep the house standing. I eat and rest and take my vitamins. I take the dog out and generally have a few thoughts while outside about spring garden plans. But, the blog is put-off; re-organizing the bathroom is delayed; the ironing basket fills; a date with my husband just doesn't fit in the calendar. Friends? I have to make dates and mentally categorize them with "work" so I can find no reason to cancel a walk or a cuppa meeting. Is everyone's life like this?

The picture: my babies. They are all grown-up now: beautiful, successful, happy. I have to look at pictures to remind myself of what they looked like! That oldest child look of disdain, the lovely halo of hair that morphed into a Hawk, and the bald round girl who looks now like a California babe. The years fly by! Family dynamics change. I'll keep the pictures handy to look at, and crane my neck around the corner a new day -- and save some brain room for new memories.

Vacation: Be Gone!!!

It has been long enough. I am rested. I am fat. I am eager to begin new adventures in the new year! Today is the first day of the next several months of Scramble To Get Things Done: there's a lecture for tomorrow, a copy-center list for Thursday, a training.... and the ironing, the freezer repair guy, and walking the dog. I rather like Monday mornings!

Yesterday, I woke up thinking about that old job I was fired from. Depressing. Like a nightmare morphed into a daymare. As if I needed new reasons to beat down my burgeoning self-esteem. I still don't know why I got sacked -- the promised letter has not arrived -- and the silence from people I "knew" for three years is deafening. I'm sure that there are lies being told about me.... So early on a Sunday morning I stay there in bed, tortured, in despair. Oh, to see the truth!!! Is it possible I forgot something important, and forgot it so well that I still haven't remembered? Alzheimer's?!?!?! Is it possible that I was fooled by the social smiles of so many, and I was fired by a collective desire? I know that I'd be happiest to be emotionally done with it!! How long will that take? What would that take, I wonder? I imagine a contigent of apologists at my door and my queenly disdain in the face of their pleading with me to return. I got up. Coffee is needed. I can be sensible after coffee.

I've gone a week plus a day without a cigarette. When I start craving one, and the little Beast in my Brain starts the "yes, you can have one" muttering, I run up and down the stairs with an armful of wood for the fireplace.... puff! puff! (thank god, no wheezing!) puff! puff! QUIT! :)

Vacation included family time. I'll muse on that later, after I get the first thing done on my Do-List for Monday -------------- it's already almost 9:00 AM and I've been working for two hours with no crossing-off on the list!