You know, my greatest fear is losing my mind. I abused the brain cells for about two decades, but have spent the last two decades sober, clean, eating healthy (I'm on probiotics now!). I'm teaching memory tricks in one class, and Alzheimer's in another -- and reading lots and lots, and panicking. I didn't eat enough blueberries! I can't get enough Vitamin E (because it gives me acne). I don't get enough exercise, and there's very little weight-bearing in the winter. I hate Soduko. Am I doomed?
The research is still coming in but it's pretty conclusive: yes, I can do lots and lots to repair my brain and exercise my memory. And I could find out (for a fee) if I have the genes that will make it more likely (not "definite") that I may get one of the memory-impairing diseases. Would I want to know that statistical probabilities? What would I do with the information, if I was told at age 50 that I would be a veg by age 80? What difference would that make in my life?
I'm not sure I have time to come up with any answers. I have trouble remembering what day it is! And, that trouble is all of my own making: I work "too much" and I have "too many" thoughts in my head -- like the recent request for ideas from the Diversity in Education committee at school............ and the overflowing ironing basket............ and the need to transplant the single squash plant that is growing in the potting room...............
If I can figure out how to attach a file to this blog, I'll give you the National Geographic article on memory from last year. It tells a few stories of people -- and suggests that losing your mind, when you have lost enough to not know anymore that you are losing it, can make you happier --- and it summarizes the recent research.
Gotta go -- there's some almonds downstairs and I'm having sardines for lunch!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Time Management Skills (and choices)
My husband has said for years that he loves to see me in my working clothes. These days, the working-clothes closet does not include a uniform. But, the closet is still filled with working clothes (even the holey jeans on the floor: garden work). I work a lot. I like to work. I am a happier person when I have "work" that defines the calendar, structures my day, and brings me both a sense of purpose and a few accolades. Did you know that families are rarely aware of how the refrigerator gets filled, or how those shirts and dresses are ironed, or why the dog doesn't pee on the floor anymore? "Work" on the other hand, is more obviously an effort with rewards: paycheck, take-out once in a while, a mom who doesn't hover. Often, dinner is something from a can, and there is usually a list of chores titled "While I'm at work --." My absence is an adventure for everyone!
My problem, if there is one, is that I have no sense of balance. I seem to have lived much of the last few decades with a "When it rains, it pours" philosophy of work -- or work-karma. I am either unemployed (sometimes for very good reasons, like pending or recent childbirth) or rather over-employed (today, I could say that I have NINE jobs, since adjuncts are independent contractors, always). There were a few years when I changed clothes in the car or in the bathroom at work -- the beginnings of my life as a Bag Lady! Does working a lot make me rich? Not always. Does it make me happy? Yes. That's the great secret, or the confession to be made: I really really really
like to work, and working gives me more satisfaction than cooking, cleaning, or house-training the children and the dogs. There simply isn't enough joy in taking care of myself or my family to make the day seem well-spent. In my defense, I would not work this hard for no pay. Those who know me well, know that without work -- the pay, the structure, the sense of purpose -- I am NOT a happy camper.
I descend into some morass of fattening and fatalism, turning inward and then turning vicious -- to myself mostly, though the crankiness gets sprinkled on everyone. I seek always a purpose that will define me; I am a "Do-er" and not much of a "Be-er." While I heartily recommend self-reflection, and I have often indulged in the adventure of self-knowledge, generally speaking, I am aware that my Self does not provide me with enough material to last through more than a day or two. I need the action -- of chores, of work -- to provide my Self with definition and a reason for being. Reading, gardening, watching re-runs of British murder mysteries are escape strategies: escape from either chores or self-reflection.
So it's Sunday. I got up with the sun. There's homework to do (teachers go to school, too!) and more grading, and I must figure out the on-line grade center for that class.... and there's a party at GM's this afternoon, I want to start a few more seeds, and I really have to get to the ironing.... and I am happy.
My problem, if there is one, is that I have no sense of balance. I seem to have lived much of the last few decades with a "When it rains, it pours" philosophy of work -- or work-karma. I am either unemployed (sometimes for very good reasons, like pending or recent childbirth) or rather over-employed (today, I could say that I have NINE jobs, since adjuncts are independent contractors, always). There were a few years when I changed clothes in the car or in the bathroom at work -- the beginnings of my life as a Bag Lady! Does working a lot make me rich? Not always. Does it make me happy? Yes. That's the great secret, or the confession to be made: I really really really
like to work, and working gives me more satisfaction than cooking, cleaning, or house-training the children and the dogs. There simply isn't enough joy in taking care of myself or my family to make the day seem well-spent. In my defense, I would not work this hard for no pay. Those who know me well, know that without work -- the pay, the structure, the sense of purpose -- I am NOT a happy camper.
I descend into some morass of fattening and fatalism, turning inward and then turning vicious -- to myself mostly, though the crankiness gets sprinkled on everyone. I seek always a purpose that will define me; I am a "Do-er" and not much of a "Be-er." While I heartily recommend self-reflection, and I have often indulged in the adventure of self-knowledge, generally speaking, I am aware that my Self does not provide me with enough material to last through more than a day or two. I need the action -- of chores, of work -- to provide my Self with definition and a reason for being. Reading, gardening, watching re-runs of British murder mysteries are escape strategies: escape from either chores or self-reflection.
So it's Sunday. I got up with the sun. There's homework to do (teachers go to school, too!) and more grading, and I must figure out the on-line grade center for that class.... and there's a party at GM's this afternoon, I want to start a few more seeds, and I really have to get to the ironing.... and I am happy.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Whew! Life's a whirl ---
It's Thursday, the day of FOUR classes in THREE different cities. In my workaholic mode, I said yes to new technological challenges, to subbing for the semester, and to more wage-earning assignments. I am home, for an hour, to try and figure out what happens next. I mean, next today! Things I've learned in the last busy busy week:
My husband only acts like a traditional husband because it appears that I not only have everything under control, but consider his input to be a spanner-the-works. He has, this week, shopped for groceries, made every meal but breakfast, left the garage door open and the walkway lights on for my late-night homecomings, cleaned the floors and folded the clothes -- and we've had that talk about "sharing" and what it really means. Technology -- email, cell phone -- has allowed me to parent, though I'm home actually less than she is! I really like working, at something that has obvious value; I'm continually improving my skills; I can learn new things (I skyped yesterday!!!!) and my learning process can serve as a model for others; and, I don't have to quit smoking today, I can do that tomorrow -- and I get more rest, relaxation, and serenity out of taking 5 minutes to not do anything, than I do out of a brownie, a nap, or a cigarette. I'm learning about myself -- some more new facets.
If this is aging, then I like it. Seeds are started and some are coming up already. More seeds (and trays, and a heat mat) arrived in the mail yesterday, so tomorrow night, I'll play in the dirt. The sun is shining and I am wearing greeeeeen.
My husband only acts like a traditional husband because it appears that I not only have everything under control, but consider his input to be a spanner-the-works. He has, this week, shopped for groceries, made every meal but breakfast, left the garage door open and the walkway lights on for my late-night homecomings, cleaned the floors and folded the clothes -- and we've had that talk about "sharing" and what it really means. Technology -- email, cell phone -- has allowed me to parent, though I'm home actually less than she is! I really like working, at something that has obvious value; I'm continually improving my skills; I can learn new things (I skyped yesterday!!!!) and my learning process can serve as a model for others; and, I don't have to quit smoking today, I can do that tomorrow -- and I get more rest, relaxation, and serenity out of taking 5 minutes to not do anything, than I do out of a brownie, a nap, or a cigarette. I'm learning about myself -- some more new facets.
If this is aging, then I like it. Seeds are started and some are coming up already. More seeds (and trays, and a heat mat) arrived in the mail yesterday, so tomorrow night, I'll play in the dirt. The sun is shining and I am wearing greeeeeen.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Catching up and Catching your breath
I'm not a very good blogger, I guess. And my house isn't very clean. There is always something else to do! I just re-read The Razor's Edge by Somerset Maugham -- we were talking at Christmas with our young adult children about inspiration, guidance we found along the way, books about philosophy that weren't textbooks or non-fiction whatis-es. Zen and the Art of Motorcyle Maintenance is next: another re-read. Will it mean the same now to me, as a person, as an illumination on my soul, as it did when I was twenty? Probably not, but what will it mean to me now at age 50? I know that with time running out faster and faster, I probably shouldn't waste any on re-runs. But "aging" and how it alters my perspective on life is continually fascinating to me. I was deeply affected by The Clam Lake Papers and other books of that ilk. Then, I was seeking myself. Now, I have honed the ability to look at myself like a science project, a third-person objective view (on good days, I believe I have accomplished "humility"), though I am admittedly too-often shocked at that lady in the mirror! It is part of my science project to re-read a few books. I hope I kept Castenada's books --
My days are busy with five different classes, and I'm taking an on-line course for re-cert credits. I just watched a video of Tom Friedman explaining the origins and premise of his book "The World is Flat." The new world is here, and I am looking backward, still trying to figure out where I came from! Oh, my children, I fear that I have not prepared you adequately. And yet, as TF explained the "confluence" of fiber-optics and Smartphones, that contributed to our ability to act horizontally as manufacturers, and consumers, and inventory planners, on a global scale, I realize that the techie stuff he is talking about is not at all foreign to my children. They seem to choose, wisely and with confidence, what bits of tech they want to embrace: one child has an Iphone after months of research and surveying her friends, while the other two just upgraded to a keypad on their phones, or to internet access and those fees. It is I -- and my fellow elders -- who scramble just to know what the words mean!
That's today's musings. The weekend included a realization that the empty nest is not something to fear and that I intend to fill my time with plants and students and books, and that, oh yes: where does Hubby fit in? He missed out on a boat saleo on Ebay and drove 30 miles to a disappointing boat show. He must turn his back on the snow-covered river.... I'm hoping he'll turn toward the kitchen on a semi-permanent and regular basis....
My days are busy with five different classes, and I'm taking an on-line course for re-cert credits. I just watched a video of Tom Friedman explaining the origins and premise of his book "The World is Flat." The new world is here, and I am looking backward, still trying to figure out where I came from! Oh, my children, I fear that I have not prepared you adequately. And yet, as TF explained the "confluence" of fiber-optics and Smartphones, that contributed to our ability to act horizontally as manufacturers, and consumers, and inventory planners, on a global scale, I realize that the techie stuff he is talking about is not at all foreign to my children. They seem to choose, wisely and with confidence, what bits of tech they want to embrace: one child has an Iphone after months of research and surveying her friends, while the other two just upgraded to a keypad on their phones, or to internet access and those fees. It is I -- and my fellow elders -- who scramble just to know what the words mean!
That's today's musings. The weekend included a realization that the empty nest is not something to fear and that I intend to fill my time with plants and students and books, and that, oh yes: where does Hubby fit in? He missed out on a boat saleo on Ebay and drove 30 miles to a disappointing boat show. He must turn his back on the snow-covered river.... I'm hoping he'll turn toward the kitchen on a semi-permanent and regular basis....
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